Grief: a complicated emotion

Source: allure

Hello people

Let us try to understand another emotion which everyone goes through at some point in his/her life: Grief.

Disclaimer: The purpose of this discussion was to better understand a very complicated emotion- grief. This discussion is in no way suggestive of the solutions to grief. Realizing this is a sensitive topic, we have tried to stick to the facts and do not intend to trigger anyone.

What is grief?

Grief is an emotion which is felt as a response to a loss. This loss can be anything, it can be your favorite pen or a pet or a loved one (obviously the degree of grief felt varies depending on the loss and your connection with it). With this loss, comes the sadness for it (grief) and the hope that that loss can be countered by getting a new thing or getting the old thing back. But when this loss is a death of a person, this hope isn’t there since it is a permanent loss (irreversible change).

And therefore, dealing with a permanent loss like that of a person or a pet can be very difficult (because in this case, there is no hope that the person will come back or his/her memories will be replaced, hence making it hard to cope with the loss). Therefore, while the discussion will be about grief in general, various aspects will be explored from the perspective of the loss of a loved one.

Difference between grief and depression

Grief and depression are similar from the viewpoint that both involve sadness and can cause disruption in life (this disruption can be in physical health, mental well-being, emotional response etc.). Due to the similarity in the base emotion felt, they are often confused to be the same, which is far from the truth. Hence, it becomes important to distinguish them as both require different remedies.

Source: www.hrvv.org

Why do we feel grief?

While there have been many theories, the predominant theory behind the reason for experiencing grief (thereby, justifying the need for it) is the Attachment theory proposed by John Bowlby in 1969.

According to Bowlby, all animals (including humans) have an innate desire to be near people they are attached to. This attachment acts as a safe and secure base to which the individual can return, to seek comfort and safety in the face of threat. And when this attachment is lost (due to many reasons like death or the person leaving your life), it causes anxiety since that safe and secure place no longer exists.

From an evolutionary perspective, this was designed to discourage separation. And this makes sense because a sense of attachment within a group of individuals is very important for them to cooperate with one another, and this cooperation is very important for the survival of the group, which will then increase their chances of passing on their genes to future generations (hence helping in the survival of the species).

This idea is also reciprocated in the philosophical concept of ‘self’ proposed by Danish existentialist theologian, Søren Kierkegaard (1813-55). According to him, ‘self’ is a combination of various pairs of opposites like necessity and free will or the individual and the general. What this means in our context is that our sense of ‘self’ is not just formed by us (i.e., “I”), but it is rather formed by the connection of ourselves with the other individual (i.e., the connection of “I” and “you”). By this concept, it is observed that when we lose a person from our life, our part of self which was defined by our relationship with that person gets ruptured. And hence deeper is the attachment with the individual, deeper is the injury to your self and deeper is the grief.

(Note: Most of the explanations given here, or for most of the concepts in psychology and philosophy for that matter, are theories designed by people trying to make sense of the reality. Though many of these theories stand true for most of the cases, these theories do not depict a universal truth. In subjects like psychology and philosophy which are very subjective in nature, there are very little scientific truths due to the subjectivity in the experiences and the environment of everyone)

Coping with grief

Though there are numerous theories which suggest a framework for coping with grief (some of which will be discussed later), the general idea can be understood from the following analogy.

Consider your brain as a jigsaw puzzle, where all of your everyday information (stimuli like app notifications or a burning sensation) fit in it’s place. Since your brain is familiar with most of these stimuli (hence fit in the jigsaw puzzle of your brain), it has a pre-decided or a pre-thought-of response to these stimuli.

Now consider an information like the death of a loved one. This is new information to your brain, like a piece that doesn’t fit in your puzzle. So obviously, this leads to confusion initially, which leads to denial or avoidance (this piece doesn’t belong to my puzzle! My puzzle is complete, and the new piece is just some extra piece).

Why do we avoid it? Because this new information is seen as a threat to our brain and triggers the part of brain known as amygdala, which is responsible for the flight/fight response. Since this makes us uncomfortable, our initial response is “flight” (to avoid it) because the “fight”response consumes a lot of energy.

But eventually we try to mend our sense of reality, we try to rearrange our jigsaw puzzle to fit in this new piece of information. This is where we have accepted the loss. This doesn’t mean that we will never feel sad about it, it means that now that loss will not interfere in our day-to-day lives, i.e., we eventually learn to live with it.

So now let’s try to understand the most popular framework for coping from grief proposed by Kubler Ross (1969). This framework consists of 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression, Acceptance.

In the first three stages, we are still trying to avoid interpreting the loss (flight). We first try to deny that it happened. Next, we might get angry at the person for leaving us. We then try to bargain for our reality; this involves making a deal with God or thinking how the loss could be avoided.

When these above stages don’t seem to work (i.e., bring normalcy in our lives), we finally have to accept the harsh truth which makes us feel utter discomfort and leads to depression. Having passed through this phase, we are then finally able to accept the fact and hence move on with our lives.

Though this framework seemed fit a few years ago, it is no longer considered valid since not everyone goes through each stage of this seemingly linear process of coping. Also, this framework tends to give a structure to something as subjective as grief.

Stroebe and Schut proposed another “non-linear” theory of coping which seems to be valid (atleast as of now).

Source: researchgate

Also known as the “Dual process”, this involves constant oscillation between sadness (i.e., dealing with loss) and normalcy (i.e., trying to restore). Gradually, going through these oscillations over a period, the brain heals. We see this process play out in a lot of instances. Many a time when there is an atmosphere of sadness in the household, a silly comment or a child’s smile usually shifts the focus from the loss, wherein people tend to forget about the loss for a while. This restoration of normalcy is very important for the brain to heal eventually since constant sadness leads to burn-out and can lead to depression.

Let’s discuss another generalized model which classifies grief into two types: Acute grief and complicated grief.

Acute grief is experienced by everyone immediately after the loss. This involves the sadness for the loss. Various studies have shown that most of us are resilient to grief- meaning most of us are able to cope with grief at this stage itself, and eventually accept the loss.

But many people aren’t able to get out of it due to unsolvable questions and over-thinking and enter the second stage of grief- Complicated grief. Person at this stage requires external help, maybe in the form of counselling, therapy or medication, to cope with the grief. If not treated properly, person at this stage can go into clinical depression.

Conclusion

We all go through grief at various stages in our lives, and we should realize that it is a natural response to a sudden change in our surrounding. Hence, not only we shouldn’t be ashamed of it, but we should also let ourselves/ people around us grieve properly since complete avoidance of this emotion can lead to anxiety or depression, thereby doing more harm than good.

For effective healing, sharing your emotions with others helps a lot. It can be anyone: your friends, family, relatives, or a therapist. Sharing not only helps relieve the stress and anxiety of the grief, but also helps you structure your thoughts and make sense of the new reality, thereby helping in healing and bringing life back to normal.

Written and edited by: Yash Jayesh Doshi